8 Simple Rules for Enjoying Horror Films in the Theater
Today’s editorial was inspired by actual events. This week I am going to discuss the perfect theatrical horror experience…and how NOT to screw it up for yourself or someone else. This weekend I went to see The Strangers. I would like to talk about my theater-going nightmare and how it could have been much better.
I realize I am starting to sound like the grumpy old curmudgeon down the street shaking a stick at the neighborhood kids, but things tend to bug me sometimes and I tend to want to vent. I am a film lover as I imagine all of you are. I particularly love horror films and I really like to watch them on the big screen. Nothing makes me happier than trekking down to my local cinema when a new flick comes out, especially horror. Nothing beats a good old fashioned scary movie in the total darkness with a huge screen that can suck you right in to what‘s happening to the latest batch of ill-fated victims. I get lost in the film and suddenly I am in the director’s world where I hope things get mean and nightmare inspiring. Think about it.
You get all settled in. You have your popcorn and soda or other desired snack and you relax and wait for the fun to begin. When the lights go dim and the music starts to rise, you know it’s coming. Then you see the production logos (we’ll just assume you have already sat through the obligatory 20 minutes of Coke ads and car commercials) and your pulse starts to pound. Then you get snuggled even deeper into the seat and your eyes light up when all of a sudden… the nimrod next to you decides he needs to tell his buddy something in a text message?! Wait a minute. What just happened? I wouldn’t know because the cell phone light has viciously snatched me back to reality!!! Damn it. Okay he closed it. Whew. Wait. What is that sound? I seriously doubt Leatherface has a cell phone with a Sanford and Son ring tone. Sonofa…
Sound familiar? If not, you are one of the lucky ones. This is only a smidgeon of the annoyances I have to deal with on a regular basis. And before any of you starts to tell me that if I don’t like it I can stay home, let me say this. I paid to see this film just like they did. But I want to watch it. Perhaps if they would rather chat with Bobby Sue about their children’s shoe sizes (true story) they can do THAT at home. Or at least have the decency to take it outside.
Things like this I can deal with better when I see a comedy or an action film, though I still don’t like it, because they don’t require quite as much atmosphere or concentration. Horror films are a special breed. It is impossible to truly appreciate a scary movie when you are pulled out of the story every two minutes because someone else deems it more important to discuss dinner plans. What in the world did these people do before they had cell phones? I don’t recall mass exoduses to the pay phone back in the day so obviously it is possible to get by without it.
Gone are the days when the only thing you had to do was not “flick your Bic.“ Allow me to break down some easy-to-live-by rules that are guaranteed to increase your level of enjoyment at your next foray to the cinema. Listen to Maven. You will get so much more out of your horror films if you pay attention to them and allow the director to steer you where he/she intended. You will also save yourself possible bodily harm from your fellow movie-goers who are not so tolerant as I.
1. Please Do Not Talk to the Screen - The characters cannot hear you…we aren’t that advanced. And the rest of us already know she shouldn’t open the door/ check out the noise/ answer the phone. Hell it may even be the title of the film.
2. Please Do Not Attempt to Predict What Will Happen Next - Unless you wrote the screenplay, I don’t need to hear your take on it. Besides, it’s probably obvious anyway. And more often than not, these loudmouths are WRONG.
3. Please Do Not Film a Bootleg - Apart from the fact that it is illegal and a personal affront to hardworking film makers everywhere who depend on the money their film brings in, the light from your camera is quite obvious as well as distracting. (This means you “guy two rows in front of me”)
4. Please Don’t Kick the Back of My Seat - I think the reason for this one is rather self - explanatory. This act is just flat-out rude. And this includes the ones who feel the need to take off their shoes and prop their feet on the seat next to me. I don’t even get this one. Who raises these people?
5. Please Do Keep the Neighbor Chatter to a Minimum - Even I understand that sometimes things beg to be pointed out or called to attention. But learn to whisper quietly. The rest of the theater doesn’t care if you recognize that guy from Law and Order.
6. Please Do Not Run Up and Down the Aisles - This refers to teens/tweens who make their way in to see the many PG-13 horror films out there or sneak into the R’s. I beg you to choose a seat and stay there. If you can’t manage to sit still for two hours at a time, you should probably seek medication.
7. Please Snack Quietly - Of course there are some things that you can’t control like the confounded plastic they wrap around the Goobers boxes, but please try to make the least amount of noise possible. A good trick is waiting for a loud part of the movie. Also if you bring food from home that is your own business, but please package it in quiet containers. I have heard too many soda cans popping open and even a few beer bottles being rolled down the floor followed by noisy chip bags. Shhhh.
8. Please (and this is a big one) Keep the Cell Phone Silent and in Your Pocket - I cannot stress enough just how distracting this is. Every time you flip it open, all eyes are immediately drawn to the light whether they want to be or not. This does NOT exclude texting. Believe me.
Of course most people know how to behave in public and don’t cause trouble for the rest of us. I applaud you for that. And I hate to complain but I really don’t think this is asking too much. Already, tons of die-hard horror fans stay home because they are tired of dealing with the people who won’t allow them to be scared in peace. Every time a fan stays home, that is money that these films don’t get. And we can’t expect the industry to take us seriously if we don’t pay to see the films we complain they don’t make.
Showing just a small amount of respect for others and remembering that you are not in your own living room will make everyone happier. After all, ticket prices are high enough when you get to enjoy the film. Spending the whole time frustrated because you can’t watch it is really unfair and should not have to be tolerated.
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