Saturday the 14th
At the behest of one of our users, I watched this film. Against my better judgment, I actually sat through all 75 minutes of this stinker. This movie is a horror spoof that was released in 1981. It was directed by Howard R. Cohen, who also directed movies called Vampire Hookers and Death Force… a real barnburner of a track record.
The movie is about a family that inherits a house that contains a secret… a book that, when opened, releases all the evil in the world. This family, a group of uninteresting no name actors, is tremendously boring and I fund myself yawning at every opportunity.
The look and editing of this film are complete garbage… even for the eighties. Scenes are cut in a rather unprofessional fashion and the cinematography is yawn-inducing at best.
For those of you that are wondering whether this movie is funny or not, let me just say that it depends. If you watch movies like Fletch and laugh your ass off, then maybe you’d have a good time. However, if you are not a fan of cornball white comedy, you will find yourself wanting to rip your eyes out with leper dicks. Much of the humor is juvenile at best. If you get a kick out of watching people call bats on string owls, then this is the movie for you. I don’t know what these people were trying to do with this movie, but it fails miserably, unless they were trying to make the most boring movie ever.
The monsters in Saturday the 14th look like an amalgamation of the cheap men in suits monsters from the 50’s. They really are ridiculous and uninteresting. Mix this in with rampant fog machines, self lighting candles, and more bats on strings than should ever be necessary and you have yourself all the fixings for a shitfest.
The only good thing about this movie is the amazing amount of C-Toe. Of course, this is only a big deal to people who sit around on websites rating the quality of camel toes from around the world.
I can’t say enough negative things about this movie. Still it’s amazing to me that this film found enough success to warrant a sequel, Saturday the 14th Strikes Back, and that the DVD currently sells for 80 bucks on Amazon. For some reason or another, some people love this movie… I like to think that these rare cases are just excessive instances of nostalgia. The only other option would be to admit that there are people out there with such bad taste that they make Donald Trump’s hair seem stylish by comparison.
Final Synopsis: This movie blows more than a Bangkok hooker on a Saturday evening. If someone offers to let you see this for free, slap them across the face and kick their dog.
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