Dark Ride
Dark Ride was probably the most anticipated movie of the After Dark Horrorfest for me. I mean, c’mon, a horror ride, a bunch of horned out, bud-smoking college kids, and a killer in a silly doll mask… what’s not to love? This whole movie is the answer to the aforementioned question.
The plot, if it can even be called a plot, is that a bunch of college kids are on spring break… sound familiar? They stop at a horror ride in some town. The horror ride was closed down twenty years ago because some psycho was butchering people in it. Luckily for them… the killer manages to escape on the very night that they decide to visit… what are the odds of that? After twenty years of imprisonment, this guy just manages to break out and find his way back to the ride that he killed people out… maybe it was just around the corner. I’m pretty sure most mental institutions are around the corner from amusement parks.
Craig Singer, the director, has put together a monumental failure of a movie. The set design of this movie looks like it was put together by a middle school props manager. The ride, of which this movie was named after, is not even a ride. In most of the rooms there is no track for a car to even move. Most of the rooms are so boring and tame that it is almost laughable. A suitable alternate title for this film should be Boring Walk.
It’s disappointing that this movie has some quality actors in it, but they have absolutely nothing to do. Jamie Lynn-Discala (formerly Jamie Lynn-Sigler of Sopranos fame) plays the main character with unadulterated stereotypical college shallowness… which is normal and expected, but she could have at least brought some flare to the part. She definitely seemed to be phoning it in.
Another surprise in the cast was the appearance of Patrick Renna as the outcast of the group. His character spouts movie quotes in an attempt at self-referential genre humor. However, the lines quoted are so misplaced that the lasting effect is not of a wink and a nod to the audience, but rather a loogie firmly spit in the audience’s face. Plus, Renna (who played the fat kid in the Sandlot) is still terrible to look at. I kind of want to throw up just thinking about him… he should stick to Sobe commercials.
The only bright spot of the cast was Alex Solowitz; you may remember him from some shitty boyband parody show that was on MTV called 2gether. He was truly hilarious in his scenes and he delivers the line with an actual touch of humor and skill.
The killings and violence in this movie are so lame. I’ve seen two-year olds smash spiders in more interesting ways. The gore is poop… the story and the environments are so light and bland that when a killing does happen you have to wake yourself up to even realize it happens.
It’s a shame that such a good premise for a movie was wasted. I can definitely see how this movie could have been something to remember. Poor writing, piss-poor directing and sub-par set design have all left a bad taste in my mouth… I think I’ll go take a Dark Deuce.
Final Synopsis: It’s a snoozer. There really is nothing redeeming about this movie. You may get five minutes of enjoyment and 90 minutes of torture… if you’re a masochist pick it up.
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